Am I being too aggressive?
It’s such a loaded question.
Sometimes we ask ourselves:
“Was I too aggressive?”
Sometimes someone else tells us:
“You’re being too aggressive.”
And sometimes…
We’re literally just standing up for ourselves.
As women, or people who have been socialised as women, sometimes you can disagree with someone, speak up about something, or ask for something basic…
And suddenly you’re being called aggressive.
So, what is aggressive?
Well…
It depends on who you ask.
Aggression Is an Opinion
Everyone has a different idea of what is too aggressive.
One person might think you’re being completely reasonable.
Someone else might think you’re being aggressive.
And sometimes you can even be told that you’re not aggressive enough.
So, you’re left sitting there thinking:
“Okay… so how am I supposed to get this right?”
Thisis where I like to take a step back.
Instead of getting caught up in:
“Am I being too aggressive?”
I like to go back to the facts.
Go Back To the Facts
If you’re feeling like you’re being too aggressive, or someone has told you that you’re being too aggressive, there is usually something behind it.
You’re probably standing up for something.
There might be a problem.
There might be an injustice.
A boundary might have been crossed.
Something might not be going according to plan.
So instead of getting caught up in whether you’re being too aggressive…
Look at what is happening.
What are the facts?
What has happened?
What was supposed to happen?
What is happening instead?
And what needs to change?
Keep It Concrete
I was talking to a client about this recently.
She’s an apprentice and she needs to collect specific work evidence to complete her qualification.
The problem is that she’s being put on rotations where she isn’t going to be able to get the evidence she needs.
And this has been happening for a while.
So, she’s frustrated.
Of course she is.
But when she goes to speak to them about it, the important thing is that she can come back to the facts.
She needs these subjects signed off.
She needs specific work evidence.
That evidence can only be gained by doing types of work.
She’s currently being put into work where she can’t get that evidence.
That’s the issue.
That’s the fact.
And that’s what she needs to communicate.
Not:
“You’re making me so fucking frustrated.”
Although she might be.
But that isn’t necessarily going to solve the problem.
The useful part is:
“This is what I need to complete my qualification, and this is what is currently preventing me from getting it.”
That’s a much clearer conversation.
Facts Don’t Need A Particular Emotion
This is something I really like about facts.
You can be angry.
You can be upset.
You can be crying.
You can be completely calm.
The fact is still the fact.
If you’re doing maintenance planning, and that work isn’t going to give you the evidence you need for your diesel fuel systems subject…
That’s a fact.
Whether you’re pissed off about it or not.
If someone is constantly speaking over you in meetings…
That’s a fact.
You can say:
“I’ve noticed that I’m regularly being spoken over in meetings.”
That’s the fact.
If someone keeps crossing a boundary you’ve already communicated…
That’s a fact too.
You can say:
“I’ve already raised this boundary, and it continues to happen.”
Again…
Fact.
Feelings Are Important Too
Now, I’m not saying feelings don’t matter.
They absolutely do.
There are situations were talking about how you feel is incredibly important.
But sometimes, when we need something specific to change, we can get so caught up in explaining our feelings that the actual issue gets lost.
You might say:
“I’m really upset.”
And that’s completely valid.
But the person you’re speaking to might still be thinking:
“Okay… what do you actually want me to do?”
So ,if you want action…
Tell them what the action is.
What Are You Actually Trying to Get?
This is where I like to come back to the point.
What are you trying to get out of the conversation?
What are you trying to change?
What needs to happen?
What isn’t happening right now?
What was originally agreed?
What evidence do you have?
What do you need from them?
Get to the point.
Because sometimes we get so caught up worrying about whether we’re being too aggressive, too soft, too emotional, too loud, too quiet…
That we forget what we’re trying to achieve.
And that’s the important bit.
You Don’t Have To Make Yourself Smaller
I don’t want you to stop standing up for yourself because you’re scared someone might call you aggressive.
You don’t need to make yourself smaller just to make someone else comfortable.
You are allowed to be direct.
You are allowed to disagree.
You are allowed to ask questions.
You are allowed to say:
“That’s not what was agreed.”
You are allowed to say:
“This isn’t working.”
You are allowed to say:
“I need this to change.”
That doesn’t automatically make you aggressive.
Sometimes you’re just being clear.
Sometimes you’re being direct.
Sometimes you’re advocating for yourself.
And sometimes…
Yes.
Maybe you are being a little aggressive.
That’s okay too.
We’re human.
Come Back To the Facts
If you’re worried that you’ve been too aggressive, take a breath.
Go back to what happened.
Look at the emails.
Look at the messages.
Look at the agreement.
Look at what was originally discussed.
Look at the requirements.
Look at what has happened.
And separate the facts from the story your brain is telling you about the situation.
Because sometimes we sit there thinking:
“Oh my god, maybe I’m being unreasonable.”
And then we look at the facts and realise:
“Actually… no. I’m asking for exactly what was agreed.”
That’s useful information.
Get It In Writing
This is especially important when you’re talking about work.
If something matters…
Get it in writing.
If someone tells you something important, follow it up with an email.
If there was an agreement, keep the email.
If there is a requirement, keep the document.
If something changes, have a record of it.
Not because we’re trying to start a war.
Not because we’re trying to catch someone out.
But because when you’re dealing with something important, it’s much easier to have the facts in front of you.
You don’t have to rely on:
“I think you said…”
You can say:
“This is what was agreed.”
And there it is.
You Deserve To Speak Up
Especially when we’re talking about apprenticeships or career development, you deserve to be able to ask for what you need.
If you’re four years into an apprenticeship and you were given a plan at the beginning…
You deserve for that plan to be followed as much as reasonably possible.
And if something has changed?
You deserve an explanation.
If human error has happened?
Talk about it.
If someone has made a mistake?
Talk about it.
If something isn’t working?
Talk about it.
You don’t have to sit quietly and hope someone notices.
Sometimes you have to speak up.
So, Are You Being Too Aggressive?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
But instead of getting stuck on that question, go back to the facts.
What happened?
What was supposed to happen?
What is happening now?
What needs to change?
And what are you asking for?
Because when you know those things, you can communicate much more clearly.
And you don’t have to spend the entire conversation worrying about whether you’re coming across as aggressive.
You can focus on the actual problem.
Final thought
You don’t have to be quiet to be a good person.
You don’t have to make yourself smaller to make other people comfortable.
And you don’t have to apologise for having a voice.
If something isn’t right, you’re allowed to say something.
If a boundary has been crossed, you’re allowed to speak up.
If something that was promised isn’t happening, you’re allowed to ask why.
And if someone calls you aggressive simply because you stood up for yourself…
Take a breath.
Come back to the facts.
Look at what happened.
And remember:
Being clear isn’t the same as being aggressive.
Sometimes you’re not being too aggressive.
Sometimes you’re just finally saying what needs to be said.
So stand up for yourself.
Get your facts together.
Get it in writing.
And get what you came for.
Thank you for reading along, if you are a tradeswoman and would like some help or support with this please book in a time to chat here – https://calendly.com/louise-azzopardi/coaching_consult“
