In this blog, I have written about difficult conversations. Not just standing up for yourself in theory, but how to do it in real life. What do you say? How do you say it? And how do you keep it from turning into a mess?
“Just Tell Them.” But how?
We hear it all the time:
“Just tell them it bothers you.”
Okay… but how?
What does that look like when you’re standing in a workshop, or a meeting, or talking to someone who intimidates you?
I want to break this down into something simple and practical because difficult conversations are just a form of feedback. And feedback works best when it’s clear, specific, and calm.
Step One: Be Specific About the Behaviour
The first thing you need to do is look at the exact behaviour that’s bothering you.
If we stay vague, it can sound like we’re attacking someone’s whole personality and people get defensive. Plus, vague feedback doesn’t give anyone anything to change.
Think of it like a performance review. If someone just says, “You need to improve,” you’re left confused and flustered. Improve what?
So, ask yourself:
- What exactly are they doing?
- What are they saying?
- What specific behaviour needs to change?
Is it:
- Not saying good morning to you?
- Moving your tools?
- Calling you names?
- Giving you the worst jobs?
- Making your work harder on purpose?
Name the exact thing.
Step Two: Explain Why It Bothers You (Short and Sharp)
The second step is explaining why it bothers you and this is important keep it factual and short.
Do the emotional processing before the conversation. When you’re talking to them, stay grounded.
Examples:
- “I don’t like it when you call me dull, because it feels disrespectful.”
- “I don’t like it when you don’t acknowledge me in meetings it makes me feel excluded.”
- “I don’t like always being put on the same job because I want to learn and grow.”
One of my clients had a co-worker who would smack her on the backside with paperwork as he walked past. What she needed to say was:
“I don’t like it when you touch me like that. It’s an invasion of my personal space and it makes me uncomfortable.”
Clear. Direct. No fluff.
Step Three: Say What You Want Instead
This is the part most people miss, and it’s often the most effective.
You’re not just asking them to stop a behaviour. You’re telling them what to replace it with.
People aren’t great at guessing what you want. So, spell it out.
Examples:
- “If you want to acknowledge me, I’d prefer you say hello instead of touching me.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable with hugs at work; I’d rather a handshake or a high-five.”
- “Instead of putting me on the same job, could I work with A or B on this task so I can learn something new?”
You’re giving them a clear path forward.
What If They Don’t Change?
Let’s be real — some people won’t.
In my experience, about half the time, people genuinely don’t realise they’re doing something that bothers you. When you tell them clearly, they change.
And sometimes… people know exactly what they’re doing, and they choose not to change. But having the conversation still matters because it creates a record, sets a boundary, and gives you clarity about what’s going on.
Rehearse the Conversation
If someone intimidates you, rehearse.
Write it down.
Practice it in the mirror.
I had a supervisor who made me uncomfortable. He’d stand next to me silently and grunt until I told him where I was up to. It made me stop doing overtime altogether.
I practised what I wanted to say and told him:
“When you come up to me and don’t speak, it makes me uncomfortable. I’d prefer it if you just asked me where I’m up to.”
He changed briefly and then went back to his old behaviour. Eventually, I left that workplace. But I still don’t regret speaking up. It was worth giving him the chance.
Difficult Conversations Are a Skill
Having difficult conversations doesn’t mean you’re aggressive.
It doesn’t mean you’re dramatic.
It means you’re setting boundaries and advocating for yourself.
I’ll be writing more about unconscious bias and sexism in later blogs because sometimes the behaviour isn’t accidental at all.
Final Thought
You’re allowed to be specific.
You’re allowed to ask for change.
And you’re allowed to feel comfortable at work.
If you’re a tradeswoman or tradesperson who’d like some help navigating this journey, I’d love to chat. You can book a coaching consultation with me here:
https://calendly.com/louise-azzopardi/coaching_consult
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