Most of us don’t remember the moment we were handed the rulebook.
Because no one ever actually handed it to us.
It was absorbed quietly through observation, repetition, and the subtle messages we received growing up about who we were allowed to be.
I call this society’s programming.
It’s everything we were taught consciously and unconsciously as children and adults. The things our parents explained to us directly, and the things they never said out loud but modeled every single day. How men speak to women. How women shrink themselves. Who gets to be loud. Who is expected to be accommodating. Who holds power and who learns to tiptoe around it.
It shows up in the toys we were given, the sports we were encouraged to play, the clothes we were praised for wearing, and the behaviour we were rewarded for. Girls being polite. Boys being strong. Women being carers. Men being providers.
And while this programming affects everyone, it doesn’t always affect us equally.
How Programming Turns into Pressure
I move through this world as a woman in a male-dominated trade. I’ve lived the female side of this programming firsthand. But I’ve also watched men I love friends, family, colleagues struggle under the weight of the expectations placed on them too.
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about awareness.
Because society’s programming often turns into internal unconscious bias, and that bias quietly drives our behaviour.
It shows up as:
- Imposter syndrome
- Burnout
- Anxiety
- Overworking
- Struggling to speak up
- Feeling like you’ve done nothing by the end of the day, even when you’re exhausted
For me, it nagged at me for over a decade. I tried to fix the symptoms individually — the anxiety, the burnout, the self-doubt — but they kept coming back. And honestly? That’s frustrating as hell. Especially when you’ve already done “the work”.
What I eventually realised was this:
I wasn’t broken.
I was programmed.
The Cost of Staying Quiet
One of the biggest ways society’s programming showed up for me was around speaking up.
I was taught all the classics:
Be polite.
Don’t cause trouble.
Don’t make it awkward.
So, when jokes were made that made me uncomfortable jokes that crossed lines and chipped away at my sense of safety, I stayed quiet. I didn’t even know how to form the sentence to say, “That’s not okay.”
On top of that, I was repeatedly told I needed to have “thick skin” in the trades. That I was lucky to be there. So, I laughed along. I swallowed it. And then I cried on the drive home.
Way too often.
It took years for me to learn that I was allowed to say:
“No, I don’t find that funny. Please don’t say that around me.”
Not because it suddenly felt easy — but because I finally learned the words.
The Three Steps to Deprogramming
Letting go of society’s programming can feel overwhelming. After all, we’re talking about society. But we’re not dismantling everything just the parts that have lodged themselves inside you.
Take a breath. You’ve got this.
1. Acknowledge It Exists
Sometimes when something feels too big, our coping mechanism is denial. Ignorance really can feel like bliss — until you’re burnt out again and don’t know why.
If something keeps repeating in your life, it’s worth acknowledging that programming may be playing a role.
2. Recognise It in Real Time
This requires self-awareness. Listening to your internal dialogue.
Things like:
- “I won’t wear makeup — it’ll give the wrong idea.”
- “I won’t speak up — I don’t want to seem loud.”
- “I won’t say anything — I don’t want to be a whinger.”
These thoughts don’t come from nowhere. They were learned.
3. Reprogram It
Ask yourself: Who benefits from me holding back?
If you don’t share your idea in a meeting, and the inefficient process continues — who wins?
Not you. Not the team.
Then replace the thought with something more useful:
“I am a valuable member of this team, and my ideas deserve to be heard.”
It might feel awkward at first. That’s normal. New programming always does.
This Work Ripples Outward
When we challenge our own programming, the impact doesn’t stop with us. It affects our workplaces, our families, and the people who come after us.
It gives others permission to do the same.
And that’s why this matters.
If you need support with this process, you don’t have to do it alone. Whether that’s community, one-on-one support, or workplace change — help exists.
You are not too sensitive.
You are not imagining it.
And you are absolutely allowed to take up space.
Final Thought
If you take nothing else from this, let it be this:
Just because a belief has been with you for a long time doesn’t mean it belongs to you.
Society’s programming is powerful because it’s quiet. It doesn’t shout — it whispers. It tells you to stay small, stay agreeable, stay grateful, even when something inside you knows better. And unlearning it isn’t about becoming louder, harder, or someone you’re not. It’s about becoming more yourself.
You don’t have to deprogram everything at once. Start with one thought. One moment where you pause instead of automatically complying. One sentence you allow yourself to say out loud.
That’s how change happens: not in grand gestures, but in small, brave interruptions of old patterns.
And every time you choose yourself, you make it easier for the next person to do the same.
If you’re a tradeswoman or tradesperson who’d like some help navigating this journey, I’d love to chat. You can book a coaching consultation with me here:
https://calendly.com/louise-azzopardi/coaching_consult
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